Monday, May 30, 2011

The Power Struggle (Top/Bottom)



One of the biggest obstacles I have faced in this lifestyle is the never ending power struggle that takes place between two men. In a homosexual relationship there is a natural, for lack of better terminology….”separation of powers”.  Meaning there is a clear distinction between the top and bottom.  More specifically, the idea of submission and domination in the bedroom.  For example, allowing someone to enter and penetrate you is slight submission…period.  Also, penetrating and entering someone is having a little dominance over them.  #Fact The problem comes about when this separation of power is taken outside of the bedroom.  (Think clash of the Titans)

This problem comes from the need to try to imitate heterosexual relationships;  where  the bottom acts as the woman and the top acts as the man.  That may be okay if your homosexual relationship involves a masculine guy and a more feminine guy.  Whatever floats that boat of yours.  However, when you have two average guys this shit becomes a problem.  You often run into situations where the top attempts to run the relationship and treat the bottom like his woman.  For example, he may want to make all the decisions, expect to be fed and cleaned up after, and expect the bottom to submit to his wishes in and out of the bedroom.  (For the record, I know that not ALL tops are like this) Also, there are bottoms who expect to be wined and dined, taken care of, and other things reminiscent of a traditional woman in a relationship.  

That shit doesn’t fly for someone like me.  Being a man, even though I am a bottom, I expect to be treated and respected as such.  But I have been in situations where tops don’t get it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I respect the guys I have been with in regards to their sexual position. I respect there need and want to be “the man”.  I know that sometimes I have to just let them have their moment.  Like I said, its natural submission/dominance…it just can’t go overboard.  I have touched on this in a couple of post about D-Boy where I’ve had problems with him taking control sometimes. (I’ve gotten better)  I had to really sit down and talk with him about my feelings and opinions on the subject and he started to work on it as well.  One thing a lot of tops don’t realize is just how they have natural desires as men to provide, protect, and to handle things…the bottom sometimes have these same desires seeing  as though they have  penis as well. Like I said before, if you have one of those masculine/feminine relationships you probably don’t have this problem.  But if you are like me and your relationships consists of two average guys you must remember to respect your partner as the man he is.  After all, him being a man is why you like him in the first place right? I would love to hear some others’ opinion on the subject.

8 comments:

  1. I think it's about respecting each other as men first, like you said. The reality in a relationship consisting of two average, strong willed men both parties are going to have to compromise to make it work.

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  2. Good post - interesting topic. I think this is evereday problem of lots of people, but maybe not a lot reflect on it ... Most relationships,and also sexual are negotiated in this domination - submission patern. Can break through and be on really "equal" terms? First step is of course to be aware of it, talk about it and disscus it. Most people just think it is natural (like it was "natural" for women to be housewifes), so we need time to move things...
    Myself I have always had little control tolerance, and i dont like to control partners too.. But in bed its fun to submit or lead the game:) To put livley comparison: its like with my dog, if he trust people he would lay on his back and let ppl touch sratch his most delicate part - neck. This shows, in my eyes, more willingness to give oneself to other, completley, to share, than to submit to his will in every way ... So yeah, you can like your man as a man, but one can re-interpret "dominance" in different ways non-traditional, and if this man cares he can express it lovingly - i think.

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  3. Hell, even inside the bedroom it's a problem for me.

    I'm Vers all day and night.

    But let's say for instance I'm in there with a Bottom. I know that I'm going to be dominating him. But if he wants to turn my ass over, that's ANOTHER deal breaker I forgot to mention (damn, the list keeps growing).

    But on the other hand, if I'm in there with a Top and I'm submitting myself to him, I have no problem playing the role...

    But if he lets me eat him out, then I'm definitely gonna try n get him to switch teams...

    I guess because I would rather dominate more than be dominated...

    idk, I'm complex as hell anyway...

    --Cogito

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  4. I have no issue with playing the submissive role. I believe in a separation of powers so that roles are clearly defined and there are no grey areas. Where i think the issue is, is when it comes to being respected. If he's walking all over you simply because he's inserting his penis into you, then of course issues will arise. When you allow him to walk all over you, which a lot of us do because we feel if we don't he won't stick around, then you'll probably feel unhappy and taken advantage of. So essentially it comes down to whether or not he takes you seriously... or if you take yourself seriously. At least i think so.

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  5. The eternal battle wages on huh?

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  6. Hi I did a quite similar post http://gaylifekenya.blogspot.com/2010/09/it-is-not-going-to-work.html On the other hand straight people think that if there is a gay couple there is a man and a woman in the relationship. Most cases it's not true it's both men, so gay relationships are not like straight'es we definitely can't put in the same page.
    I agree with you on the two average guys part, I can identify.

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  7. Very intersting post. I think sometimes there is almost a kind of taboo about discussing these issues. I wonder why some men restrict themselves to performing these roles. I can understand exclusive "tops" who just conform to the conventonal stereotypical "masculine" role - ie. being the penetrator.
    Here is article by Jesse Bering -
    "Many questions about gay self-labels and their relation to development, social behavior, genes and neurological substrates remain to be answered—indeed, they remain to be asked."
    http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=gay-male-sex-roles

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